BDSM and ME

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What is BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term for multiple kinks/acts; bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M).

It’s the inclusion of so many terms and acts that makes BDSM so popular, you can absolutely love bondage and have no interest in the power exchange of submission or Domination, and you’re still ‘practicing’ BDSM.

For me BDSM is all about trust, an exchange of power whether it be handing over a flogger to your fuck buddy or giving the key to your chastity device to your lover, it all takes deep and genuine trust in that person.

Provided everything is consensual there is no right or wrong way, please ignore any one up man ship (Its weirdly rife when it comes to kink), and remember that ‘Vanilla’ is not an insult, just a simple way of describing/identifying those not interested in kink.

BDSM can seem very structured, and you will probably come across a lot of people with hard and fast rules, routines and ideals. But the basic principles can also be very liberating, and in the long run really improve the strength of your interpersonal relationships. You don’t need to be going to sex clubs, munches or dungeon parties, but there is a very inclusive and supportive community out there if you’re willing to look for it.

Dominance and submission.

  • Dominants/submissives (D/s)

Most well-known are Dominants and submissives, when people picture BDSM they often imagine a Dominant with a belt in their hand and a submissive bound and collared. Dominance and submission is all about the willing exchange of power, a Dom looks after their sub  like you would something that belonged to you, they may use their position to carry out various acts on the submissive (but ALWAYS with consent) and a sub for the most part will do what they can to please their Dominant.

People interpret this D/s power exchange in different ways and so there are many specific groups within it, for example ‘Daddies’ and ‘littles’ or people who engage in pet play – where the submissive takes on an animal persona (most often dogs, cats or horses) in order to reinforce the ‘ownership’ theme.

 

  • Tops/bottoms (T/b)

A Top is quiet simply someone who ‘does’ the ‘doing’ and a bottom is someone who ‘receives’ whatever the Top is doing. Some people identify with this because they don’t engage in the D/s roles, they’re still kinky and want to engage in BDSM but might not feel the need or desire to take on the structured power exchange roles that D/s do. These T/b roles can also be used to make this area of BDSM more diverse, you can have a submissive Top, or a Dominant bottom, in that a Dom could order a Sub to whip them or to take charge of the sex they are having. I actually identify closest as a Dominant bottom. Yeah I know it sounds weird.

 

  • Slaves/masters

Those that identify with these specific roles tend to have a much more extreme grasp of Dominance and Submission, a slave does exactly what the Master asks, carrying out tasks with no inflection of their own thoughts or ideas. You won’t find a ‘brat’ or a ‘Princess’ in a Slave like you might find in a Sub. A slave is quite simply there to please their Master.

 

  • Switch

Switch is for those who like Dominance and submission but don’t want to stick to a specific role. One day one partner may be the Dominant the next day the other might pick up the Mantle. For the first year of our relationship this was our compromise as two people who both feel like they are Submissive at heart. Now we still switch on occasion, but I get more out of being Dominant and satisfy my cravings for pain by ordering my Sub to flog me.

 

Sadism and Masochism

Sadists like to inflict the pain and Masochists like to receive the pain, you also get the crazy train Sadomasochists like myself who like dishing it out and receiving it. Thwack, do you like that? My turn now!

Bondage and Discipline.

Bondage entails the use of various implements (cuffs, ropes, hooks, devices) to physically restrain a person or to bind them in a visual way, and Discipline refers to restraints that are purely psychological, rules you have chosen to abide, humiliation you have agreed to endure. Receiving punishments you don’t find pleasurable.

Scenes

A scene is how people refer to a BDSM encounter, I don’t often use the term in the bedroom, because BDSM just seeps into our sex, but if we set out to engage in specific BDSM play, we will reserve an evening and discuss what we want to do in the ‘Scene’. It doesn’t have to be a really ‘official chat’, we get an idea of what we want to do in our next Scene by sexting each other or whispering naughty things in inappropriate situations.

How do you get started?

Safe words, or alternatively a signal for when you mouth is filled by a bit-gag or an overly keen cock. I’ve never even used my safe word, I’m not saying that in some highly proud I can take everything sense, that would be stupid and that kind of one-upmanship is one of my least favourite things about the BDSM scene. What I mean is that I don’t use it as some sort of marker, I don’t need what occurs when we are in a scene to take me right up to the cusp of uttering my safe word, this isn’t a game of how hard can we hurt Echo before she breaks, be that emotionally or physically.

Next up decide what parts of BDSM are for you, I can’t stress this enough, please don’t feel like there is any ‘right way’ to include BDSM in your relationship. This goes especially for anyone wanting to partake in a D/s relationship. When I first mentioned my interest in being a submissive to a friend she reeled of a huge list of things ‘subs’ HAD to do each day for their Doms, “….oh so you’re prepared to let him beat you with his belt when you’ve broken a rule, or decide what foods you can eat and how you wear your hair…” all because she had come across ONE blog about a submissive wife and read her list of ‘rules’.

Treat your adventure into BDSM like a trip to the pic-n-mix sweet section in a supermarket, you’ve decided you’re interested in BDSM, so you have your cup – now you just need to fill it. The key to a good cup of sweets is variety. First up you’re going to go for your favourites, fizzy cola bottles, jelly snakes and strawberry laces, or for me bondage gear, spanking and rough sex. Next up look for things you might like to try, things that look tasty, you might get them home and decide you don’t actually like them, that’s fine, don’t eat them. For me this was choking, nipple clamps, orgasm denial. What you wouldn’t do is put liquorice allsorts in your cup if you don’t like liquorice. For me I don’t like the idea of sounding, and its neither something I would be willing to do or have done to me.

Put simply, just because somebody else involves BDSM in their relationship in a certain way, or carries out certain acts as a Dominant or submissive, don’t ever feel like that’s a necessary requirement. If everybody did everything exactly the same way, with exactly the same things in exactly the same amount, there would be no such thing as pic-n-mix, and that would make me very sad.

Start with something simple, don’t try to run before you can walk. Blindfolds, silk restraints, feather ticklers, soft paddles and massage candles are all good things to start off with. Alternatively if you can’t afford that or don’t want to spend money on new things, ice cubes, wooden spoons and gloves can provide great sensory play, Chris once tied my hands together with my pyjama bottoms, doesn’t sound sexy but in the moment it was the closest thing to hand and I found his quick improvisation skills pretty hawt.

Do you have to like pain?

You neither have to like nor want to receive/inflict pain. You can carry out a whole BDSM scene without physical pain, you could try adding humiliation/degradation to fill out a scene, perhaps orgasm denial or add sensations that cause physical reactions like ice/feathers, really there’s so much room under the BDSM umbrella that pain is not at all necessary.

Good pain

Those who engage in pain play will often talk about good pain, for me this would be spanking, flogging, biting and scratching and so I would really enjoy these sensations during a scene and when I’m being submissive I consider these a ‘treat’ and not a punishment.

Bad pain

If you have a strict D/s relationship and rules are broken, you may want to use pain as punishment, this still needs to be 100% consensual. As a sub my bad pain would be anything involving a whip, it’s not a sensation I can translate as pleasurable, my willingness to undergo it has a lot to do with respect for my role, for my Dom and a genuine kink for subjecting myself willingly to things that are more pain than pleasure in order to please another individual.

The C-Word

By which I mean Communication, it’s extremely vital to plan scenes if you want to try something new, to check in with people mid acts to make sure everything’s still okay, and to have a chat after about what you did and didn’t like, doesn’t have to be formal, just a text saying “That beating was HOT not sure about the new whip though it’s a real stinger!”.

Soft limits

Soft limits are things you either aren’t sure you will like/handle or that you have tried and feel you’d rather approach it with a lot of caution so your basically saying I’d rather not do a lot of this, but maybe if we worked up to it and the time was right, I could enjoy it.

Hard limits

Pretty simply hard limits are things you absolutely won’t do, you should always mention these before starting a scene with someone new. For me this is any form of daddy/daughter play, needle play, knife play or clit torture.

Aftercare

After a Scene emotions can be very raw, BDSM is quite mentally challenging, and even though I love and embrace it sometimes it does leave me a bit wobbly, usually in a good way, but if I’ve been the Submissive in a scene I need to be looked after, hugged, and cleaned up afterwards. To lie my head in their lap while they stroke my hair until I fall asleep.

So what am I?

So to sum it up I’m a little subby, a little dommy, I top, I bottom, I’m a sadomasochist (I like both giving and receiving pain). Basically I don’t fit under or identify as just one specific title. I want to always feel free to explore without the constraints of one particular role.

I hope this post was in some way helpful, it’s such a huge and multidimensional subject that I really can’t cover all the individual kinks that fly under the BDSM banner. Bear in mind that you shouldn’t take anything you hear from just one source as gospel, yes including what I’ve written right here, I’m by no means an expert. But this did take an age to finish so if you do find it helpful please comment to let me know my efforts were not in vain. I suffered writer’s cramp for you! 😛

4 thoughts on “BDSM and ME

  1. Sex Squid

    I identify with a lot of what you say. Have tried to pigeonhole myself in the past but it just doesn’t work. I’m naturally submissive; so much so that any time I’ve switched and taken the Dom role, it’s because my OH wants me to do ‘x, y & z’ and as long as it didn’t cross one of my personal limits, I was happy to play the part because my main goal was wanting to make them happy 🙂

    Reply
    1. Echo Post author

      Yep it can be really tricky to get around both of you being submissive, I always wanted a man I could serve and please. I know what you mean, I started Domming him because I knew it was what he craved but I have now learnt to really love it, I guess it all depends, I’m a very fluid person, so I dont feel the need to be JUST one thing. As long as I’m pleasing him (albeit in a different way than I had first imagined), my fantasy is still intact. 🙂
      I’m writing a post right now about how to take up the role of a Domme, as someone who was very hesitant and didnt feel like ‘domme’ material I thought it would be good to share what I’ve learned 🙂

      Reply

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