Aphrodite Wooden Dildo Review 3.5/10

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There’s something really primal to me about wooden sex toys. For one – apes have been found to use sticks to get themselves off. For twosies – it’s believed we homo sapiens used sexual aides made out of wood, stone and leather as far back as 500BC. Our ancestors really did know how to carve a great phallus!

But it’s 2016 now and we make sex toys out of all manner of materials. Is wood even relevant as a sex toy material anymore? AND OH GAWD WHAT ABOUT SPLINTERS?

 I decided to find out for myself. Enter the Aphrodite wooden dildo from Italian company – Sex Wooden Toys. They make a few different designs including some vibrating options, you can even pick from eight types of wood and have your own pictures etched on to it.

The Aphrodite is a medium sized dildo ( 4″ in circumfrence and 7″ in length) with a straight shaft sporting five identical bulges and a tapered tip. Now anyone who’s read any of my dildo reviews before will know I’m all about the G-spot and as such straight dildos rarely interest me. However, there is another part of vagina that plays an integral role in providing me pleasure and that’s my vaginal opening (and the first couple of inches thereafter). This area, is a SLUT for texture. Like it seriously wants all the texture and it wants it fucking now!

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So I agreed to try this wooden sex toy – despite it looking more like a spindle from my nans wooden balustrade than it did a dildo. Its non-phallic and that at least will be a tick in the box for a lot of people (myself included!). GET YOUR DISMEMBERED DICKS AWAY FROM ME!

The packaging is a thin-ish card box that’s a lot bigger than the dildo inside. Unfortunately, this meant that the box was not in the greatest condition by the time it got to me as the dildo had presumably rolled around in there and… fucked shit up. The overall packaging design is okaaaaay I guess, (my reluctance simply owing to the use of pink) and its all recyclable which is a certainly a big big big pro in its favour! There is also a storage bag, if you’re into that sort of thing…

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The Aphrodite dildo has barely any weight to it. It has been finished quite pleasingly to the eye and you CERTAINLY do not need to worry about splinters. However, despite it appearing to be quite smooth there is this underlying grainy texture that can be felt with my fingertips. This is the first wooden sex toy I’ve owned so I don’t know if its normal to still be able to feel the grain but I can’t help having two worries (the two I’ve always had about wooden toys) – Is it finished properly with a moisture-proof varnish/glaze, and is whatever its finished with non-toxic and body safe? The Sex Wooden Toys site and my leaflet say yes, but they don’t go into detail and quite frankly I DON’T TRUST ANYONE WHEN IT COMES TO MY VAGINA HEALTH.

When I first used this dildo I SLATHERED it with lube, and started the process of inserting it into my already quite warmed up vagina. But hang on a minute, I could feel the grain! MY VAGINA THE ONE WHO NEEDS INTENTIONAL TEXTURE TO BE BIG AND BRAZEN TO EVEN NOTICE IT CAN SOMEHOW FEEL THIS WEIRD GRAINY RESITANCE. It weirds me out and no amount of lube will fix it.

When I get over the odd draggy/catching/gainy sensation, I do really like the shape of the dildo. I love the bumps nudging their way along my vaginal wall and popping in and out of my vaginal opening. I love thrusting wildly with it whilst the Tango is mashed against my clit. In those moments I start to really like the Aphrodite dildo but then I finish and my vagina feels like its been sandpapered. This sensation doesn’t just last a few minutes either, it can and has lasted the whole damn day.

Theres one more thing I really don’t like about it, and that’s that it seems to be absorbing my vag gunk and lube. With any other toy, after use and before it reaches the sink, you can either visibly feel or see my fluids on it – which dry white and flakey (sorry not sorry if this is tmi for you). With this wooden dildo however, everything vanishes, in seconds. The dildo feels dry and there’s no vaginal juice to be seen.  Where the fuck is it going? Well my only guess is inside the dildo, and that makes me think it might be porous and as such it could end up full, not only of my bodily fluids, but of bacteria too.

So what do I think of wooden sex toys now I’ve tried one? Well I think wooden sex toys ARE still relevant. For people who really like solid toys but find metal too heavy in use or are far too clumsy to own a glass dildo (maybe, probably me…), wood could be a great choice of material. Personally this dildo hasn’t really sold itself to me. I like the ridges but I really can’t get over the grainy texture and the way it just ABSORBS MY VAG JUICES, like no, come back here where I can see you and wash you so you’re actually CLEAN!

The Aphrodite dildo is  € 87 which is roughly £73 or $92 and can be bought here.

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